Deo Gratias

p/s:有父母可以孝敬的你們,請好好地愛和珍惜他們.

 

No one can chase this guy out of my dreams, including myself.
This guy stucks there and I don't know what he and my inner child want from me
It's not that I say "case is close" then it will be gone with the wind
He is there, and wounds are also there
All these things become so irritating
I hate myself being like this

Could you imagine someone who is no longer in you life and  who you really wanna forget keeps haunting your dreams and keeps telling you that how much you are not loved? It's the first time in my life that being rejected in the public, it's not like losing a competition. Losing a competition is an honor at least the chance has been given out to all the competitors to work hard and do their best. But being rejected in a relationship IN THE PUBLIC is like being condemned. There's nothing you can do, NOTHING. And the wounds remain there and I don't know how to heal them. Thought simply leave them there they will be healed automatically sometime someday.

It's all about me, not him. I won't rely on him and expect that he may come and help me to heal the wounds. He is even more incomplete, how could I ask someone who is in a worse condition to help me out?

People say,"hang in there, you will be fine." How wish I could do that.
Hang in there. Keep being told that "I don't like you, you are not my type, you are not accepted..." are painful, especially in the dreams.
I could only keep experiencing the same pain again and again, and have no chances (not even once) to respond.

This is how I am recently. Wake up in the middle of the nights, wondering what has just happened. And it reminds me again and again how pain the wounds are.

How much I love/like him, how much I despise myself now. It's a struggle, and life's a struggle.

Could you and you please stop appearing in my dreams?

 

我要    安安稳稳的睡觉

这    很奢侈吗？  

今天我的心情真的完全不一样了。很感激自己寄出了那封email，那之后我真的不再责怪我自己也不再自怜自艾了；当然更重要的是，我不再生气或责怪他。对他，我其实有着更多的感激。
 
能够放下尊严和骄傲给他写那封信，我真的为自己鼓掌。"忠于自己"就该是这样的贯彻始终。我在Pride和Truth之间，选择了Truth；而活在Truth里的我，多了一份自在--至少，我已经问心无愧，没有遗憾。很谢谢美卿妈妈，每一次和妈妈的连结，都能够让我豁然开朗；并给予我无比的勇气去全然的信任存在。
 
"一切唯心造，好人坏人都是他。"婷龄这样跟我说。而在上瑜伽课的时候，突然就对这句话顿悟了。我要他是好人，他就是好人，我说他坏他就算做了一千万件好事，对我好一百万倍却不能做错一件事：因为我会不停的放大他的错误然后觉得他坏透了。其实，他就是他。我该接受不同面貌的他--每一个面貌都是他，就算不完美，却也因为他能够成为他自己而完美。Everyone is just as perfect as the way he is.当我能够这样想，我的心就轻了。而他在我的心目中，就又回复到那个善良、正义、乐于助人、敏感细腻而又天真的他；并相信，这是他本然的样子。
 
我自己才是那个糟糕透了的人--脾气坏、习惯坏。当下和我姐姐一起旅行，突然觉得我的姐姐就是我的一面镜子；而我现在的角色，就是当初旅程中的他。突然，我对他充满了无限的感激！因为要应付像我这么难相处的人，真的少一点耐心都不可以！而他，是用怎样的心情和我一步一脚印地走了四个月，不离不弃。就算我们之间有再多的争执，我的臭脾气多让他下不了台，他却还是对我呵护备至、细心照顾；吵架难免，而冷战到最后大家却都还是能够秉持一个承诺一起走到最后。也许，他总是认为我不够appreciate他为我做的一切；而我总是解释说是自己神经太大条不太注意细节。我充其量只是个超别扭的孬种，我不太擅于跟喜欢的对象表达自己的感激--妈妈，我想你了解我在说什么，我只是害怕被拒绝！很孬种吧，哈哈。
 
我愿意原谅我自己。每一次的不完美都是来成就我的，让我在下一次可以付出的更有智慧。
 
在整个旅程中，他教会了我亲密和信任这两样生命中最珍贵的东西--如何卸下防卫，敞开心怀去接受一个人并且愿意和他走一趟人生。谢谢他对我的无限包容。就如他在旅程结束前对我说的："我对你真的是太好了，我太宠你了。"是的，谢谢你对我的宠爱和呵护备至。回首旅程中的点点滴滴，我真的满怀感激。也许你对所有的女生都是一样的；然而你之于我的意义，却岂止是一个旅伴而已？你让我深刻体会到的，是人生中爱和慈悲的真谛！所以我感恩，得要有多大的福报，才能被生命如此地祝福？！
 
"I will keep loving,"我是这样跟妈妈说的。也的确是！因为对我来说爱一个人比恨一个人来得容易多了！恨也需要勇气，而且还要先把自己搞得很不开心每天想着别人如何对不起我们才能让我们去恨一个人--可惜我是个超级乐天派的人，我享受快乐更甚于每天苦着一张脸。所以，我不苦了。而振发告诉我："你知道当你伤心的时候，你身边有多少人在为你心疼吗？"可是这一次，我不再伪装坚强了。我让自己变得柔软（不是软弱哦）--去细细啜饮心痛、再慢慢让幸福回甘。每一个阶段，我都报持感恩。因为这一路，有你们陪我走过！！！
 
我选择祝福。祝福你、祝福我、祝福生命、祝福存在。谢谢你们这一路来的全力相挺，陪我流泪、陪我嬉笑怒骂，还有陪我走过一段人生。
 
我很平静。我也衷心祝福他--希望他能够在属于自己的蔚蓝天空里，勇敢飞翔。我能够感受到他有多么想要做这件事，有理想有梦的人，值得被祝福。