| Pennie Oscar さんのプロフィールDeo Gratiasフォトブログつながり |  ツール  ヘルプ |
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10月10日 你的災星．我的福星該是多大的福報呵 我的生命裡，能夠有你這樣一位守護天使． 跟你抱怨我沒錢 你想方設法地要到了我的銀行戶口號碼 然後幫我存進了一筆錢 怕我難堪，還找藉口說’整數比較好算，這樣容易記．’ 突然又給我傳來訊息， 問我信用卡費付清了沒？ 孰不知在獅城窮困潦倒不得志的我 高級廉價勞工的身分根本辦不了信用卡 怕你糊裡糊塗以為我欠卡債被騙錢 趕忙給你打了電話 劈頭一句”我沒有信用卡，怎麼了？有信來要我付款嗎？” 電話那頭的你，好整以暇的回說：”沒有啊，就問一下．想說如果真的有，欠我好過欠銀行嘛．” 當時，我的心揪了一下．一股暖流就這樣流進了心底． ”你是白痴嗎？”我嘴上是這樣罵著的， 我心虛地用哈啦笑罵來掩飾我的困窘． 掛上電話，眼淚馬上不爭氣地流下． 不要對我這麼好，我不值得． 曾經年少，你是我仰慕喜歡的對象； 後來你喜歡我時，我卻已經把眼光瞟向了他方． 十幾歲時候的清澀愛戀，既刻骨銘心卻也雲淡風清． 你曾經很生氣我吧，我知道． 事過境遷，船過水無痕； 十幾年過去了，你我之間縱多的糾葛 反悄悄地讓我們的友情昇華成家人般血脈相連的情感 我想班上同學中，現在還能夠讓我把他當成家人般對待並且想要一輩子好好守護的， 就屬你了． 幾次失戀，都是你陪著我在夜空下 聽我重複又重複著我和這些情人間的種種． 情人來了，走了； 而你，一直在我身邊． ”妳真是我的災星，你找我準沒好事．” 你永遠都是這樣說，卻從來沒有一次見死不救過． 當我知道你終於擺脫了我的詛咒 找到了你生命裡的那個人時 我想沒有人比我更激動吧 我多麼地想要你能夠幸福！ 因為，你值得！ 我想，我真的是你的災星； 可是，你卻是我的福星呵． 謝振發，謝謝你； 你，一定要幸福哦！ 〔而我的幸福，就是能夠看到你幸福．〕 9月17日 殘奧光輝殘奧的光輝
14號巴士 我在回家的路上
衛星傳播屏幕上播放的是還在進行得如火如荼的北京殘奧運動會 一聲槍鳴後 來自各國參與三輪腳車賽的選手們就雙手握著兩邊輪子上的手把 奮力轉動著往前衝刺 有人遙遙領先 有人一路落後 有人後來居上 賽道兩旁擠滿了為運動員搖旗吶喊 鼓掌加油的民眾 ”加油”聲不絕於耳 到快接近鳥巢體育館的時候 不知怎麼地 有三位選手連人帶車地翻倒在地 一陣驚呼聲中 群眾們的加油聲更熱烈了 只見這三位選手吃力的靠著自己的雙手試圖想要把人帶車一起翻正 在還來得及以前 趕上前面的參賽者繼續未完的比賽 顯然車子太重了 沒有健全雙腳的選手們 幾乎是費了九牛二虎之力 耗盡吃奶的力氣 其中一位選手才跌跌撞撞的把自己和車子翻正 我以為他會快馬加鞭 迎頭趕上繼續比賽 結果並沒有． 殘而不廢 樹立楷模
健全的運動員們舉世矚目中挑戰的是全人類的極限 為創造奇蹟
身體殘障的運動員們多少年忍辱負重 挑戰的 除了因缺陷所帶來的種種限制 更希望突破人們為他們設下的諸多不可能
而我 身體健全 卻允許自己心殘 腦殘
當我允許自己沉溺在悲傷中時
卻忘了要抬起頭來 看看週遭許多所謂不受幸運之神眷顧的人們
如何勇敢地 用心在生活
真的 我沒有資格 傷心 9月14日 How I Am NowNo one can chase this guy out of my dreams, including myself. This guy stucks there and I don't know what he and my inner child want from me It's not that I say "case is close" then it will be gone with the wind He is there, and wounds are also there All these things become so irritating I hate myself being like this Could you imagine someone who is no longer in you life and who you really wanna forget keeps haunting your dreams and keeps telling you that how much you are not loved? It's the first time in my life that being rejected in the public, it's not like losing a competition. Losing a competition is an honor at least the chance has been given out to all the competitors to work hard and do their best. But being rejected in a relationship IN THE PUBLIC is like being condemned. There's nothing you can do, NOTHING. And the wounds remain there and I don't know how to heal them. Thought simply leave them there they will be healed automatically sometime someday. It's all about me, not him. I won't rely on him and expect that he may come and help me to heal the wounds. He is even more incomplete, how could I ask someone who is in a worse condition to help me out? People say,"hang in there, you will be fine." How wish I could do that. Hang in there. Keep being told that "I don't like you, you are not my type, you are not accepted..." are painful, especially in the dreams. I could only keep experiencing the same pain again and again, and have no chances (not even once) to respond. This is how I am recently. Wake up in the middle of the nights, wondering what has just happened. And it reminds me again and again how pain the wounds are. How much I love/like him, how much I despise myself now. It's a struggle, and life's a struggle. Feeling Lousy突然想起自己曾在旅行日记中写下这么一段心情随笔-- **愿意相信当下所发生的这一切都是我们爱的交汇 因为有爱所以这一切将成为永恒 剩下的就只是脑爱作怪** 如今脑中重复回荡的 是你当众冲口而出的一字一句 所谓的真心话 完全没有转圜的余地 一场美丽的际遇 顿时沦为 自己一厢情愿的不堪回首 **I feel so lousy** 8月31日 一语成签2002年写在自己新闻台里一篇文章的一段：
“妳明知道他不愛妳﹑也不會愛上妳﹔妳還是決定孤注一擲。
受傷了﹐也只能自己躲在角落舔傷口。
而這些對他卻是一點關係都沒有。
他不必付任何的責任﹕因為﹐是妳自己送上門。
我沒有想到世界上竟然還會有人比我蠢。為了浪漫﹐連尊嚴都不要了。” 没有想到，自己曾经对别人爱情态度的批判
如今竟然活脱脱地成了自己的最佳写照
是报应吗？得自己亲身经历，狠狠伤过、痛过
才能对别人的伤感同身受
保有最后的尊严，真的是爱情的底线。 我的新闻台将继续在这里和知己好友们分享我的心声，纵然它们更多的时候只是点滴泥泞。
电视上不断地重复播放着我很喜欢的那首音乐
那首 在你心底不断回荡着 为我哼的 音乐
闭上眼 仿佛仍听得见
我就是这样靠在你的胸前 沉沉睡去
3月27日 Simply PennieThis is something that I wanna share with those friends I know who will listen to me without judgments.
I am in struggles. Lately I have been trying very hard to recognize myself-- Who Am I? What is the purpose of LIFE to have me here without showing me anything significant? I have been going through this over and over again in the past few years, and I have no answers. I am eager to make a change, and Yeen Lan's saying about "die into nobody, in order to become somebody," keeps reminding me that I must drop all my expectations of myself, stop pushing myself too hard to become somebody who I will never become. I am tired and sick of people's judgments and comments of me. I was never a inconfident person, I used to have a lot of confidence and faith in myself, enjoyed everything that I had been doing, no regrets with whatever decisions that I had made. These kinda struggles and depressions always happen before going back to Singapore, a place where I will never like, a land of being lost. I know I own my own feelings, I shouldn't care about how others think about me-- no matter what, I am still who I am.
Maybe, at the end of the day, I am the one and only one who is not willing (or I should say who is not ready) to admit and accept the fact that I myself am imperfect. And, after all the geographical factors ain't play a big role in my situation now, it's all about me. Hence, if I refuse to do anything about it, wherever I go, same thing will happen again and it will come back to haunt me even fierer.
"No one is perfect," you said, and I know. But that kinda feelings of being judged, being condemned, and being downgraded to lower class made me feel like I am unworthy. There're a lot of obstacles happened in the past which couldn't be changed, I have to accept them, all I can do is to deal with them.Maybe because I care about people around me, that's why I care about their comments and judments of me? "Pennie, they are nobody. At the end of the day, you might be the only one who cares about yourself the most. For those friends who care about you, they will never judge you and hurt your feelings in many ways," one of my friends, Jazmine from Texas, looked into my eyes and said. She is right. My mom will always love me and welcome me home with open arms, my family will support me and fight for me, my endearing friends will always be there for me without asking for a return favor. And U! Now reading my email without judgments. And these people who have a big heart remain my friends and the friendships will last forever.
From now on, I will tell myself that I don't have to do anything to impress or please anybody-- Pennie is not a clown, is just me-- simply Pennie. Take it or leave it. I will forgive myself of unable to become somebody-- it doesn't mean that I am lousy just because i am unable to become someone who you expect me to be or I expect myself to be. I am still good as the way I am.
I am not fragile, I am just incomplete, at the moment. And I am not waiting for other people to fix or complete me, it's my responsibility and duty to complete myself. Therefore, I surrender. I now announce that I give up on the idea of trying to become somebody who I will never ever become... for GOD sake, I am ready to take off for my journey of searching my true self and happiness-- a journey of dying into nobody in order to become somebody-- the REAL AND SOULFUL PENNIE.
Being Who I Am, Being the VOICE of the PEOPLE,
~At the end of the day, not the fame that I want, it's a better and nicer world that I am fighting for~
Pennie Oscar Chew, June 4th 2007 |
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