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11月4日 [愛的告別式]我是誰的寶.今年，是我人生转折的一年。
辞职、背包旅行、找到新工作，终于以为一切都该在这一年有全新地且美好的开始的时候
两个我重视且珍爱的人却在我想要和他们分享荣耀的重要时刻
离开我的生命。
他们不是死了，是我选择先离开了。
28年的生命中，承受爱的背叛成为了我无可逃避且一再轮回的宿命。
父亲，我哀悼你的渐行渐远；
又或者，你从来没有在我的生命中真正存在过。
我以你的女儿之名来到这个世界上，
却几乎没有得到过所谓父亲的关爱。
从小，我看着你将你全副的爱投注在另外一个家庭和那一边的孩子上
我们这一边的孩子永远只有母兼父职的举步维艰和伪装坚强
好几个夜里，我假装睡着半眯双眼偷偷望着妈妈孤独而又瘦弱的身躯在昏暗的房间里无声哭泣
父亲，你是用这样自以为是的高高在上薄情寡义来回应妈妈多年来的不离不弃和默默守候？！
妈妈说没有爸爸的孩子很可怜
可是像我这样有爸爸却活得更像没有爸爸的孩子，是可怜。。。还是可悲？！
在家里不知名的角落找到妈妈刻意藏起来的几封绝笔日记
歪歪斜斜一堆的错别字里头找到的尽是妈妈在字里行间用最简单的字写着她对人性深切的控诉和对子女的不舍还有死的强烈念头。
那年，我七岁；我不知道什么是死，可是我能强烈感受到妈妈的无助和心碎。
我是在那一瞬间长大的。
从此，我再不敢在妈妈面前软弱，不敢在妈妈面前哭
有谁比妈妈更有资格哭？更有资格心碎？
多少岁月多少泪，好不容易熬到我和哥哥姐姐们长大了
以为父母老了一切都是苦尽甘来
妈妈终于可以有个像样的家了
我放下了过去父亲对我所作的一切
我愿意用真心孝敬他们两佬、继续努力成就并且荣耀这个家。
然后一切毁在父亲的一念之间。
这一次，妈妈没有继续忍辱负重了；她多年来不断积压按奈的怨气一次爆发
而父亲继续我行我素自以为是的咄咄逼人意图要我们像以前一样配合他的剧本演戏当最佳配角
这一次，我们选择集体离席不再随之起舞。
然后，父亲传来一则简讯--bastard, why didn't pick up my call?
这是我的父亲给她的女儿我传的第一则也是唯一的一则简讯。
我在他的心中，毫不重要到被厌恶到只能落得一个bastard的称呼。
那一瞬间，我又长大了。
今天在报纸上看到这样的一句话：One Man's trash but another's treasure.
是该放手了吧，放手让这个父亲继续去当他那一边孩子的砸金英雄；
去当那一边在他口中可怜没有一个称职母亲照顾的孩子们的伟大父亲。
以前渴望父亲，现在失去父亲；
未来，我让自己从来没有过父亲。
写完了这一篇，我就要抹干眼泪
我要继续当妈妈最有力的肩膀，
当我的哥哥姐姐们最坚强的靠山。
然后，我会在另一片土地上继续努力耕耘，继续成就并且荣耀家人还有他人
每一次，我都让自己没有退路让自己头也不回；
这一次，我的努力不再只是为了自己的梦想，还有妈妈的。
朋友说："你的妈妈是我见过最伟大的，再多不舍还是愿意放开手让你高飞。"
是的，我的妈妈非常伟大；伟大到忍辱负重在这样的一个男人身边咬紧牙根把我们拉拔长大。
今天，我们几兄弟姐妹不偷不抢不骗不拐不扮可怜；
我们也许没能功成立就坐拥亿万身家流芳百世；
然而，我们却腰杆挺得直直地、有骨气地、真实地、勇敢地活着。
长大的我站在这里，看着那个还在原地等待着的小女孩，
等着有一天父亲良心发现会回过头来看看她还有家。
然而，他总是一再地先行离开她的生命、拒绝扮演一个父亲应该有的角色来参与她的生命。
对你来说我也许只是垃圾，可是我却是其他所有人的宝。
我已经无法再承受让你一再肆意先行离开我的生命了，
第一次也是最后一次，让我先离开。
最后一次这样称呼你：父亲。我用这样的方式跟你做最后的道别，
我们，没有再见。
另外的一个人啊，
以为自己好了，原来还是不可以；不是不可以放下，而是再找不到继续做朋友的理由。
想好好跟你面对面地道别，告诉你我有多感激；
然后告别之后，可不可以让我先转身离开？
这以后，我们就是陌路。 p/s:有父母可以孝敬的你們,請好好地愛和珍惜他們. 10月10日 你的災星．我的福星該是多大的福報呵 我的生命裡，能夠有你這樣一位守護天使． 跟你抱怨我沒錢 你想方設法地要到了我的銀行戶口號碼 然後幫我存進了一筆錢 怕我難堪，還找藉口說’整數比較好算，這樣容易記．’ 突然又給我傳來訊息， 問我信用卡費付清了沒？ 孰不知在獅城窮困潦倒不得志的我 高級廉價勞工的身分根本辦不了信用卡 怕你糊裡糊塗以為我欠卡債被騙錢 趕忙給你打了電話 劈頭一句”我沒有信用卡，怎麼了？有信來要我付款嗎？” 電話那頭的你，好整以暇的回說：”沒有啊，就問一下．想說如果真的有，欠我好過欠銀行嘛．” 當時，我的心揪了一下．一股暖流就這樣流進了心底． ”你是白痴嗎？”我嘴上是這樣罵著的， 我心虛地用哈啦笑罵來掩飾我的困窘． 掛上電話，眼淚馬上不爭氣地流下． 不要對我這麼好，我不值得． 曾經年少，你是我仰慕喜歡的對象； 後來你喜歡我時，我卻已經把眼光瞟向了他方． 十幾歲時候的清澀愛戀，既刻骨銘心卻也雲淡風清． 你曾經很生氣我吧，我知道． 事過境遷，船過水無痕； 十幾年過去了，你我之間縱多的糾葛 反悄悄地讓我們的友情昇華成家人般血脈相連的情感 我想班上同學中，現在還能夠讓我把他當成家人般對待並且想要一輩子好好守護的， 就屬你了． 幾次失戀，都是你陪著我在夜空下 聽我重複又重複著我和這些情人間的種種． 情人來了，走了； 而你，一直在我身邊． ”妳真是我的災星，你找我準沒好事．” 你永遠都是這樣說，卻從來沒有一次見死不救過． 當我知道你終於擺脫了我的詛咒 找到了你生命裡的那個人時 我想沒有人比我更激動吧 我多麼地想要你能夠幸福！ 因為，你值得！ 我想，我真的是你的災星； 可是，你卻是我的福星呵． 謝振發，謝謝你； 你，一定要幸福哦！ 〔而我的幸福，就是能夠看到你幸福．〕 9月17日 殘奧光輝殘奧的光輝
14號巴士 我在回家的路上
衛星傳播屏幕上播放的是還在進行得如火如荼的北京殘奧運動會 一聲槍鳴後 來自各國參與三輪腳車賽的選手們就雙手握著兩邊輪子上的手把 奮力轉動著往前衝刺 有人遙遙領先 有人一路落後 有人後來居上 賽道兩旁擠滿了為運動員搖旗吶喊 鼓掌加油的民眾 ”加油”聲不絕於耳 到快接近鳥巢體育館的時候 不知怎麼地 有三位選手連人帶車地翻倒在地 一陣驚呼聲中 群眾們的加油聲更熱烈了 只見這三位選手吃力的靠著自己的雙手試圖想要把人帶車一起翻正 在還來得及以前 趕上前面的參賽者繼續未完的比賽 顯然車子太重了 沒有健全雙腳的選手們 幾乎是費了九牛二虎之力 耗盡吃奶的力氣 其中一位選手才跌跌撞撞的把自己和車子翻正 我以為他會快馬加鞭 迎頭趕上繼續比賽 結果並沒有． 殘而不廢 樹立楷模
健全的運動員們舉世矚目中挑戰的是全人類的極限 為創造奇蹟
身體殘障的運動員們多少年忍辱負重 挑戰的 除了因缺陷所帶來的種種限制 更希望突破人們為他們設下的諸多不可能
而我 身體健全 卻允許自己心殘 腦殘
當我允許自己沉溺在悲傷中時
卻忘了要抬起頭來 看看週遭許多所謂不受幸運之神眷顧的人們
如何勇敢地 用心在生活
真的 我沒有資格 傷心 9月14日 How I Am NowNo one can chase this guy out of my dreams, including myself. This guy stucks there and I don't know what he and my inner child want from me It's not that I say "case is close" then it will be gone with the wind He is there, and wounds are also there All these things become so irritating I hate myself being like this Could you imagine someone who is no longer in you life and who you really wanna forget keeps haunting your dreams and keeps telling you that how much you are not loved? It's the first time in my life that being rejected in the public, it's not like losing a competition. Losing a competition is an honor at least the chance has been given out to all the competitors to work hard and do their best. But being rejected in a relationship IN THE PUBLIC is like being condemned. There's nothing you can do, NOTHING. And the wounds remain there and I don't know how to heal them. Thought simply leave them there they will be healed automatically sometime someday. It's all about me, not him. I won't rely on him and expect that he may come and help me to heal the wounds. He is even more incomplete, how could I ask someone who is in a worse condition to help me out? People say,"hang in there, you will be fine." How wish I could do that. Hang in there. Keep being told that "I don't like you, you are not my type, you are not accepted..." are painful, especially in the dreams. I could only keep experiencing the same pain again and again, and have no chances (not even once) to respond. This is how I am recently. Wake up in the middle of the nights, wondering what has just happened. And it reminds me again and again how pain the wounds are. How much I love/like him, how much I despise myself now. It's a struggle, and life's a struggle. 9月7日 一切唯心造今天我的心情真的完全不一样了。很感激自己寄出了那封email，那之后我真的不再责怪我自己也不再自怜自艾了；当然更重要的是，我不再生气或责怪他。对他，我其实有着更多的感激。 能够放下尊严和骄傲给他写那封信，我真的为自己鼓掌。"忠于自己"就该是这样的贯彻始终。我在Pride和Truth之间，选择了Truth；而活在Truth里的我，多了一份自在--至少，我已经问心无愧，没有遗憾。很谢谢美卿妈妈，每一次和妈妈的连结，都能够让我豁然开朗；并给予我无比的勇气去全然的信任存在。 "一切唯心造，好人坏人都是他。"婷龄这样跟我说。而在上瑜伽课的时候，突然就对这句话顿悟了。我要他是好人，他就是好人，我说他坏他就算做了一千万件好事，对我好一百万倍却不能做错一件事：因为我会不停的放大他的错误然后觉得他坏透了。其实，他就是他。我该接受不同面貌的他--每一个面貌都是他，就算不完美，却也因为他能够成为他自己而完美。Everyone is just as perfect as the way he is.当我能够这样想，我的心就轻了。而他在我的心目中，就又回复到那个善良、正义、乐于助人、敏感细腻而又天真的他；并相信，这是他本然的样子。 我自己才是那个糟糕透了的人--脾气坏、习惯坏。当下和我姐姐一起旅行，突然觉得我的姐姐就是我的一面镜子；而我现在的角色，就是当初旅程中的他。突然，我对他充满了无限的感激！因为要应付像我这么难相处的人，真的少一点耐心都不可以！而他，是用怎样的心情和我一步一脚印地走了四个月，不离不弃。就算我们之间有再多的争执，我的臭脾气多让他下不了台，他却还是对我呵护备至、细心照顾；吵架难免，而冷战到最后大家却都还是能够秉持一个承诺一起走到最后。也许，他总是认为我不够appreciate他为我做的一切；而我总是解释说是自己神经太大条不太注意细节。我充其量只是个超别扭的孬种，我不太擅于跟喜欢的对象表达自己的感激--妈妈，我想你了解我在说什么，我只是害怕被拒绝！很孬种吧，哈哈。 我愿意原谅我自己。每一次的不完美都是来成就我的，让我在下一次可以付出的更有智慧。 在整个旅程中，他教会了我亲密和信任这两样生命中最珍贵的东西--如何卸下防卫，敞开心怀去接受一个人并且愿意和他走一趟人生。谢谢他对我的无限包容。就如他在旅程结束前对我说的："我对你真的是太好了，我太宠你了。"是的，谢谢你对我的宠爱和呵护备至。回首旅程中的点点滴滴，我真的满怀感激。也许你对所有的女生都是一样的；然而你之于我的意义，却岂止是一个旅伴而已？你让我深刻体会到的，是人生中爱和慈悲的真谛！所以我感恩，得要有多大的福报，才能被生命如此地祝福？！ "I will keep loving,"我是这样跟妈妈说的。也的确是！因为对我来说爱一个人比恨一个人来得容易多了！恨也需要勇气，而且还要先把自己搞得很不开心每天想着别人如何对不起我们才能让我们去恨一个人--可惜我是个超级乐天派的人，我享受快乐更甚于每天苦着一张脸。所以，我不苦了。而振发告诉我："你知道当你伤心的时候，你身边有多少人在为你心疼吗？"可是这一次，我不再伪装坚强了。我让自己变得柔软（不是软弱哦）--去细细啜饮心痛、再慢慢让幸福回甘。每一个阶段，我都报持感恩。因为这一路，有你们陪我走过！！！ 我选择祝福。祝福你、祝福我、祝福生命、祝福存在。谢谢你们这一路来的全力相挺，陪我流泪、陪我嬉笑怒骂，还有陪我走过一段人生。 我很平静。我也衷心祝福他--希望他能够在属于自己的蔚蓝天空里，勇敢飞翔。我能够感受到他有多么想要做这件事，有理想有梦的人，值得被祝福。 Feeling Lousy突然想起自己曾在旅行日记中写下这么一段心情随笔-- **愿意相信当下所发生的这一切都是我们爱的交汇 因为有爱所以这一切将成为永恒 剩下的就只是脑爱作怪** 如今脑中重复回荡的 是你当众冲口而出的一字一句 所谓的真心话 完全没有转圜的余地 一场美丽的际遇 顿时沦为 自己一厢情愿的不堪回首 **I feel so lousy** 8月31日 一语成签2002年写在自己新闻台里一篇文章的一段：
“妳明知道他不愛妳﹑也不會愛上妳﹔妳還是決定孤注一擲。
受傷了﹐也只能自己躲在角落舔傷口。
而這些對他卻是一點關係都沒有。
他不必付任何的責任﹕因為﹐是妳自己送上門。
我沒有想到世界上竟然還會有人比我蠢。為了浪漫﹐連尊嚴都不要了。” 没有想到，自己曾经对别人爱情态度的批判
如今竟然活脱脱地成了自己的最佳写照
是报应吗？得自己亲身经历，狠狠伤过、痛过
才能对别人的伤感同身受
保有最后的尊严，真的是爱情的底线。 [心情故事]温故知新原来 连心情也可以温故知新。
“有时候，妳也只能够放弃。”几年前第一次失恋，我对自己说过这样的话。
对照当下和那时候的心情，这竟然还是不变的真理。
[我，终究只是你生命中的过客。船过水无痕]
我的新闻台将继续在这里和知己好友们分享我的心声，纵然它们更多的时候只是点滴泥泞。
电视上不断地重复播放着我很喜欢的那首音乐
那首 在你心底不断回荡着 为我哼的 音乐
闭上眼 仿佛仍听得见
我就是这样靠在你的胸前 沉沉睡去
3月27日 Simply PennieThis is something that I wanna share with those friends I know who will listen to me without judgments.
I am in struggles. Lately I have been trying very hard to recognize myself-- Who Am I? What is the purpose of LIFE to have me here without showing me anything significant? I have been going through this over and over again in the past few years, and I have no answers. I am eager to make a change, and Yeen Lan's saying about "die into nobody, in order to become somebody," keeps reminding me that I must drop all my expectations of myself, stop pushing myself too hard to become somebody who I will never become. I am tired and sick of people's judgments and comments of me. I was never a inconfident person, I used to have a lot of confidence and faith in myself, enjoyed everything that I had been doing, no regrets with whatever decisions that I had made. These kinda struggles and depressions always happen before going back to Singapore, a place where I will never like, a land of being lost. I know I own my own feelings, I shouldn't care about how others think about me-- no matter what, I am still who I am.
Maybe, at the end of the day, I am the one and only one who is not willing (or I should say who is not ready) to admit and accept the fact that I myself am imperfect. And, after all the geographical factors ain't play a big role in my situation now, it's all about me. Hence, if I refuse to do anything about it, wherever I go, same thing will happen again and it will come back to haunt me even fierer.
"No one is perfect," you said, and I know. But that kinda feelings of being judged, being condemned, and being downgraded to lower class made me feel like I am unworthy. There're a lot of obstacles happened in the past which couldn't be changed, I have to accept them, all I can do is to deal with them.Maybe because I care about people around me, that's why I care about their comments and judments of me? "Pennie, they are nobody. At the end of the day, you might be the only one who cares about yourself the most. For those friends who care about you, they will never judge you and hurt your feelings in many ways," one of my friends, Jazmine from Texas, looked into my eyes and said. She is right. My mom will always love me and welcome me home with open arms, my family will support me and fight for me, my endearing friends will always be there for me without asking for a return favor. And U! Now reading my email without judgments. And these people who have a big heart remain my friends and the friendships will last forever.
From now on, I will tell myself that I don't have to do anything to impress or please anybody-- Pennie is not a clown, is just me-- simply Pennie. Take it or leave it. I will forgive myself of unable to become somebody-- it doesn't mean that I am lousy just because i am unable to become someone who you expect me to be or I expect myself to be. I am still good as the way I am.
I am not fragile, I am just incomplete, at the moment. And I am not waiting for other people to fix or complete me, it's my responsibility and duty to complete myself. Therefore, I surrender. I now announce that I give up on the idea of trying to become somebody who I will never ever become... for GOD sake, I am ready to take off for my journey of searching my true self and happiness-- a journey of dying into nobody in order to become somebody-- the REAL AND SOULFUL PENNIE.
Being Who I Am, Being the VOICE of the PEOPLE,
~At the end of the day, not the fame that I want, it's a better and nicer world that I am fighting for~
Pennie Oscar Chew, June 4th 2007 2月29日 An Inconvenient Truth
阵党轮替，是空喊口号的宏愿？还是势在必行的大业？ 人民，该有这样的觉醒。 不论是非，就理性考量。 做得好，继续做； 做不好，换人做。 在口水上费功夫，台湾政治已经是我们最好的借鉴。 我们是受害者，不该变成加害者－－助纣为虐。 是时候让执政者知道， 选票，不是靠大选来临前的修修马路就可以骗到的； 还是，大选当天的特派车？ 不做事，不要想选票还会乖乖的投到你那里。 马来西亚年轻的一代，也许不如我们的祖辈那么能吃苦； 就因为吃不起苦，所以我们会聪明的选择能够让我们过好生活的执政者。 我已经看腻了首相大人每天和新欢夫人卿卿我我的头条新闻 却漠视挂着“反贪腐”、“反贪污”牌子而光明正大收贿赂的贪官污吏 我了解民主进程需要时间的酝酿和铺陈，方能造就未来的成熟 然而，我们的领导者所展现的， 却是不愿意面对真相、怯于大刀阔斧、惧于改革的“俗剌”精神。 马来西亚的未来，需要的是一位破釜沉舟的实践家？还是逢场作戏的表演家？ 如果，连我目不识丁的妈妈都会告诉我说她已经厌倦了台湾的陈水扁，还有爱喂老婆吃糕饼占新闻版面的阿都拉；如果，３月２２号是台湾人民为新台湾做全新选择的时候，那马来西亚的大选，也该是我们这一代，为自己选择全新马来西亚的历史新篇章。 不要相信任何人能够为我们创造任何奇迹的未来； 未来，在我们自己手里。 不要告诉我，不可能。 去做，就还有改变的可能； 不去做，才绝对不可能。 p/s:还没注册成为合格选民的，该去注册了。错过了这一届，就为下一届做准备吧。 5月29日 [波士頓感動]記Ka Na Sai醫生2007年5月28日（星期一）7.55 pm 从波士顿回来了。这次去的有些匆匆，因为临时收到Ka Na Sai医生的email说他6月18号的班机回新加坡，问我说要不要趁他还在波士顿的时候见上一面？然后我就去了。反正今天是美国的公共假日，长周末嘛，闲着也是闲着（其实也不是很闲，明天的考试我都还没真正念！Ka Na Sai~） 只是想给自己的心放个假。最近很多东西想，心情并不是那么地漂亮。工作、事业、理想、功课、爱情（ka na sai！这绝对是自己的自寻烦恼。单身太久了，年纪越来越一大把，不趁自己还聪明漂亮的时候把自己倾销出去，我妈真的该开始定做特大衣橱来供我diao3 du2了。“diao3 du2”福建话，滞销的意思。） 买了来回纽约—波士顿的车票、定了30美金一晚的宿舍床位，我就在一个风和日丽的早上（小学时候写作文标准的开场白）、步履坚定的给它踏上了旅途。 写这篇日记的原因不是要记录波士顿之旅的细节，因为去的那些地方都是波士顿的标准景点，给你们看照片的时候再加上几句注解不就得了？！我要说的是这次旅程中没有用相机记录下来，属于我的心情还有我和Ka Na Sai医生之间相处的点点滴滴。 我和Ka Na Sai医生的见面是在他工作的医院门口。阔别两年，我们竟然还是在医院见面！那天他on call，刚下班匆匆走来接我。（恕我花一点小时间说一下我和Ka Na Sai医生的“邂逅”。2005年我和Ah Nia制作新加坡电视史上的第一部实况纪录片—《抢救心跳》[The Hospital]，隶属心脏内科的Ka Na Sai医生是我们故事的主人翁之一。选择他的原因之一是他不像一般的医生。很人性化、很真性情，我们私底下叫他“Ah Beng医生”。系列完成后半年，Ka Na Sai医生就带着新加坡政府颁发的奖学金到美国哈佛医学院的“Brigham Bent and Women Hospital”来实习；而我，已经X度来纽约大学上电影课程。间中我们一直以电邮的方式保持联络，这个Ka Na Sai医生真的算很有心。最重要的是，这个来自医生世家的Ka Na Sai医生其实也算是Batu Pahat人，自小就举家移民新加坡。） 言归正传。看到Ka Na Sai医生的时候，他还是一副累垮的老样子，因为他永远将全副的精神和体力都用在工作上。带我去医院附近一家医生们常去的酒吧“The Mission”喝波士顿啤酒—U.F.O，看我一口气就给它连续干掉三杯，可想而知这U.F.O是有多可口了！其实和Ka Na Sai医生这样单独两个人坐下来聊天喝酒，是认识以来的第一次。突然他就不是医生了，虽然我们聊得还是工作、理想，还有在新加坡的生活；可是，我们却像是两个好久不见的老朋友似地，以比较非官方、非正式的语气和措辞，来分享。待我说了几次“Ka Na Sai”（就是福建话“很屎！”）之后，Ka Na Sai医生也在我的耳濡目染之下，开始Ka Na Sai了起来。所以我说他是“Ah Beng医生”啊！ 我要永远记得和Ka Na Sai医生相处时候他对我的照顾和体贴，还有他卸下医生白袍后和我轻松的走在街上偶尔的俏皮和幽默。他会煮饭，是很会的那一种是中西餐都煮得很棒的那一种，他说全拜他当年在伦敦留学时一人独居在外的日子所赐。 不论多忙，他都尽量回家煮饭。然后我就“乖乖地”坐在客厅里看电视节目然后大大声地笑！他煮饭的时候很严肃，所以我都识趣地不去闹他，医生啊，我可是很敬畏的说。吃完饭，我会自动请缨收拾碗碟、把它们送到盆里去洗涤干净。On Call是很累的，不论是体力还是精神。这期间他还要帮忙输入很多的医学数据和相关资料，他说他必须如期将这些工作完成，否则他6月就回不了了。问他既然这么喜欢这里的工作环境，为什么不干脆就接受哈佛医院的聘书？“想念老婆孩子啊。”他说。（是的，Ka Na Sai医生已经结婚啦！） 他的体贴是很强势的。他会帮我安排好我全部的行程，然后帮我拟好地铁路线和时间，让我可以利用三天的时间尽量逛完波士顿。他在On Call，可是他还是陪我去逛了哈佛校园还有downtown。一些他规定的景点，我一定要拍；他觉得很美的地方，也非得要我摆几个pose让他拍拍作纪念。（他还说可以让我参考他之前拍过的照片，然后我可以比较有概念该怎么拍 ~厉害咧） 在家的时候，总是问我“要不要喝咖啡？还是橙汁？Cereal？面包？”他已经够忙了，还担心我的电话有没有充电？衣服要不要洗？跟他去买煮西餐的材料，他就像是家庭煮夫一样，吩咐我该买些什么。我喜欢这样没有架子的人，不论他是医生还是总统，他总是以他的方式关心着他周遭的人。 他家里有一个助行器，圣诞节的时候买的。他在等着那个常常来家门口向他乞讨食物、行动不便的老人家。“圣诞节之后就没有看到她了。有想过要送她到医院做复健，可是单单召计程车的车钱就已经是一个不小的数目，所以决定给她买助行器。可是圣诞节之后就再没有看到她了，奇怪。” 早上三点的时候，Ka Na Sai医生已经被医院的BB Call给召了回去工作。我虽然睡在客厅，可是睡得跟死猪一样不省人事，当然也不知道他是什么时候回来的。前一晚，他陪我逛了一整天之后，还准备了丰富的西式晚餐，吃完没多久在我洗好碗碟之后，本想问他需不需要我的帮忙？！却看见原本在房间里忙着工作的他竟然累得在椅子上睡着了。看着他睡觉的样子，我觉得他好勇敢，却也好孤单。勇敢是他为了实现自己的理想，决定只身来美国受训；孤单的是，为了成全实践理想的勇敢，而必须饱受和家人长期分离的相思之苦。我能够为他做什么呢？最后，我决定更努力的洗碗和帮他打扫屋子。昨晚，我很乖哦，我切了一盘前一天买的芒果和草莓慰劳他，还摆得很漂亮说！连我都佩服自己呢，代价就是切到手指结果流了很多血，怕他生气我鲁莽，我可是忍着痛连吭都不敢吭一声！（遇到我这样永远少一根筋的对手，Ka Na Sai医生竟然没有发过我的脾气—证明医生的“奈操度”训练绝对不是浪得虚名~我当然知道他的脾气很好，况且怎么说来者都是客，应该不好对客人发脾气才是。哈！） 今天临走前的早餐，他给我蒸了叉烧包和叉烧饼。我在洗碗的时候，在房间里忙着工作的Ka Na Sai医生，突然喊：“你的咖啡在微波炉里。”唉，害我又被他的细心给感动了一下下。午餐的时候，又准备了汉堡给我吃。我吃不下两个，迟疑了好久才有些怯懦的开口问道:”我刚早餐吃了两个包;现在吃一个就好，行不行？！”他头也没抬，只说：“不行，等会儿你在巴士上肚子会饿。”然后若无其事的继续吃他的汉堡。我真吃不下了，知道不能辜负他的一番好意,决定勇敢提议：“我把剩下的这一个带上巴士，可以吗？”“嗯。”结果，他给我带着上巴士的是一个午餐包包— 里头除了有汉堡、还有一樽梅子汁、几包小饼干、还有一堆的纸巾。（这是我上了巴士后才发现的，害我哭了。） 这几天他一直不停地搬一堆的东西送我—笔记本、原子笔、CD套子，还有帮我用电脑打印出来印有我名字的贴纸、然后不知道什么时候在我的背包上给我挂上了一支附有钥匙圈的原子笔，甚至连他老婆上次来探望他的时候买的卫生棉，他都给我塞进了我的包包里。“我可是男人，不用这个！”“你的钱够吗？”看到我正从钱包里拿钱出来准备等下搭车用，他问。“够啦！”我说。就是这样，他像我的哥哥一样，用这种强势的方式在照顾我。老实说，这几天的相处之前，我们根本并不熟；可是他却把我当家人一样，悉心照料、呵护备至。 我答应帮他分担一些行李的重量—像书本什么的。早上赶地铁，他一肩扛起了那像“里头装着一具尸体”这么重的袋子（后来我回到纽约，计程车司机在帮我抗袋子的时候，一脸狐疑的问, “My gosh, is a dead body inside?”），横过了马路，就为了让我赶上地铁。 给错我电话号码，结果我给他传的几则简讯他都没有收到。刚刚，他的电话来了。“你到了吗？安全到的吗？”问完，他还不忘关心：“给你带的汉堡，你有没有吃？” “You can call me anytime, if you need any help or something,” 这个Ka Na Sai医生，明明自己就才刚刚从医院忙了一天回来！ 那一晚，我跟他说：“如果我是男人，我就要娶像你老婆一样这么好的女人；可是我是女人啊，那我就要嫁像你那么会顾家的男人，Ka Na Sai医生！”他笑，“我可是满大男人的哦。”大男人，嗯。愿意为一头家、一个理想一肩扛起一片天的医生煮夫，是有资格大男人的。 虽然Ka Na Sai医生常不苟言笑，可是他却拥有一颗最柔软的心。这颗心，除了奉献给家人朋友，还有他的病人们。 而我，将会永远珍藏这几天和Ka Na Sai医生共处相聚的每一刻。还有心被触动的每一瞬间。 p/s：不是说我付了三晚的宿舍床位费吗？结果我一晚都没住到，第二天就去退了床位。一见到Ka Na Sai医生之后，他就让我到他家去投宿了，“住我这里方便啊。反正我也不会常在家，我家什么都有，干吗住外面啊？”他定定地望着我，说。 5月20日 Being Alive2007年5月20日（纽约的星期天午后） 阳光普照。可是我的心情却很低落。我想该是时候面对自己的心、听听心底最真实的声音。很奇怪吧，决定了放下很多的执著，全然的放下。可是我的心却缺了一块似地，无法圆满。
会被[Before Sunrise]和[Before Sunset]深深地感动，也许就是因为我也能深刻的体会到两位主角的心情，那种因为“时机”而必须错过的遗憾。能够了解吗？放下对一个人深深的喜欢，然后带着祝福、优雅的转身离开。一辈子，就这样带着对“如果”的幻想，继续生活。
人生是充满了选择？还是更多的必然？选择放下、必然放下。唯有走到那一天，在悬念的当下，答案清楚地摊开在我们的面前，就知道了。该继续、还是放手，只有我们的心知道。然后我们就做了，生命不容许我们回头。
Memory is so wonderful if we don’t have to deal with the past.回忆很美，过去却总是不堪回首。不看、不闻、不问，“三不原则”是我忘记一个人最好的方式。过去已死、未来还远，却只有当下这一刻，我们活着。 8月21日 The Power Of LOVEI am reading books of Paul Ferrini recently. I learned a lot... and be more awared of myself and people around me. I thought running away from the pains or simply bury the unhappy past will be the best choice for leading to a better life... which is not true. I have buried my real-self and my real personalities as well. I thought I have got rid of all the bad experiences which happened in the past... but shockingly, they all come out and haunt me back in the present. I don't know how to deal with them... and definitely, running away is so irresponsible... so I listened to Paul Ferrini's guide-- face it, conquer it, overcome it, get over it, and let go of it. It's a lifetime healing process... I am getting better for sure. I become stronger... i slowly get out of the game of codependent love... and give up a "I-IT" relationship and turn it into a "I-THOU" relationship. I have to complete myself first before I could really draw my loved one to come to me. That's power of LOVE. I Won't Take People For GrantedI was asking for a consolation gift from my friend after receiving my semester grade. And he seems very unhappy about it. He thinks that I was taking him for granted. Initially, i was acting like a spoiled child... just wanna see how his response would be... and wanna kidding about it. there're couple of times i wanted to ell him "ok ok... i will stop acting like a spoiled child...haha" but seem like the conversation went on.. so i didn't stop. And it triggered his emotions and temper. I triggered his bad experiences with his other friends when people taking him for granted just because they did him small favors. I am sorry. I didn't mean to ask for a flight ticket to Toronto. I was simply kidding... I don't even have a VISA to go to Toronto and I don't need to go there either. I have no friends there.. why should i to be there in the mean time? Anyway... my parents and my family taught me that never ever taking people for granted... not even $1... pay them back. We have ability to work and we are able to make that money for ourselves. I am sorry if I have given you the wrong impression that i wanted to take you for granted or take you for advantage. I was not, I am not, and I will not. What have I learned from this lesson? Never joking about GIFTS with friends no more. Want A GIFT? BUY YOURSELF ONE! "Are We OK?" We Will Be.I was watching one of the previous episodes of WILL AND GRACE just now... Will and Grace were having a fight over an old incident happened 15 years ago. It was raining heavily, and both of them were standing in the rain. Will asked, "Are we ok?" and Grace was still sobbing, she looked into Will's eyes... finally gave him a sweet smile..."We will be." I broke into tears. Isn't it sweet? It's a silent kind of understanding... because we care for each other, we love each other... so we could simply bear with all the mistakes that are done... admit them, correct them, apologize to our loved ones... and move on together. I am not ok now, honestly. But I am working on it... one day, I am gonna get over and let go of sorrow... I will be OK. "Are We OK?" We Will Be. 8月17日 Who I Want To Meet?p/s: Just signed up an account on myspace.com... I spent a whole night to think about who I want to meet in my life. Here comes-- Definitely NOT U…U… and U! I help people, I donate to those needies once in awhile, and I love sharing; but I have to admit that I am not a generous person especially when it deals with time. I only give my time to those people who come to me with their sincerity and heart, well, because you will receive the same from me. I am a pretty troublesome person… haha… so if you wanna be my friend, be prepared, and come with a strong heart. I would drive you crazy by asking you silly questions, saying something that might hurt your feelings; I would cause you heartache because I would cry like a baby, sometimes not strong enough to stand for myself and need your shoulder to lean on. I would give you heart attack once in awhile by making some crazy decisions in my life… jumping around to pursue my dreams… I am saying serious… my DREAMS! I am a FOOL… but I am not talking about a booty girl without a brain. Moment to moment, and with every step, the FOOL leaves the past behind. She carries nothing more than her purity, innocence and trust, symbolized by the white rose in the hand. I very much trust my intuition, my feeling of “rightness” of things, and I cannot go wrong. My actions might appear “foolish” to others, but I take it as ADVENTUROUS. To be a bungee jumper without the cord! I just jump, with hardly a thought for what happen next, I simply jump and move into unknown, with trust. You might want to withdraw yourself right now if you are not ready to see the whole me. I am as real on the Internet as in the real life. I can be very sweet, and I could be an evil too. I laugh and I cry, I can be very understanding and I can act like a spoiled child… and I could get really mad and screaming and yelling (well, I don’t throw things… because I have no money to replace with the new one) I am not selling stuff here… I am telling you who I am. An angel? A Satan? Whatever. I am who I am. Hence, if you are someone who wants to be friend with me just because you have too much time to kill… I am sorry, you are at the wrong door. When I am talking to you, I give you the whole me… not 1/10 of Pennie. So… IF I am just that 1/10 people you are talking to at the same time… forget about it. Find someone else, there are millions people out there who will line up and be willing to keep the seat warm for you... they have too much time to kill too… I don’t expect that we are gonna talk for whole day, what I am asking for is reasonable Quantity time and efficiency Quality time… everybody has their specialty… share with different special people something that you only wanna share with her/him. After all, same old trick might work for awhile, but not all the time. Hmm… and it’s all about GIVE AND TAKE… Don’t expect and of course, I am not willing to GIVE you the whole me when you can only TAKE 1 out of the 10 of you for me… it’s fair… so don’t waste your time and my time here! I love meeting new friends, knowing interesting people from all over the world. But maybe you think I have set too many rules of making friends, so what? I don’t have to know a whole bunch of peeps who just come and go without any meanings or as simple as that—I don’t have to add as many names as I can on my contact list to prove to the whole world that I am a Ms.Popular. I don’t need million people come and go in my life… if I am lucky enough to live till 70 years old… I would have plenty of chances to bump into people with a number more than that in my real life. I know who I am, so I don’t need extra names on my contact list to reassure myself about who I am. There’s nothing wrong about making new friends, meeting new people… because the world is so BIG and we are so SMALL! We have to make friends and connect ourselves to the world! BUT! When there’s a need of keep talking to many different people… or make ourselves busy with talking to people…maybe it’s not because we are friendly or we are adventurous… not even because we are popular, and we are not HOTLINE or CUSTOMER SERVICE as well! It’s because we are lonely, we can’t be alone and we don’t know what we are looking for… so we keep searching. But if we can’t even sit down and spend sometime with ourselves to think about what we want, what we are searching for…we could only stuck in the same cycle again and again… lost ourselves and looking for nothing. So, if you just simply need someone to talk to, to make you feel good about yourself… well, I am sorry, wrong door again! Definitely NOT me eh. If I welcome someone enter my world, I would let him/her enter completely. Hence, I would expect the same from him/her too. You might want to withdraw yourself too if you are not ready to let me see the real/whole you… well, maybe you are the one who is not ready to see the real self, not me. Think about it, sleep on it! I would share my whole world with you, because I simply trust. And you have to trust me too… without trusty and honesty… what kinda friends are we talking about here? I will be there for you as and when… and you would be there for me too… that’s the friendship or whatever-ships we are talking about now. So, if you just need a friend in general… someone to say HI and BYE, or you can’t even recall my name?!… sorry, wrong door! Since I can’t talk sweet all the time… I might say something that might hurt your feelings but please understand that I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just say something with my heart and it’s really out of concern… so don’t be offended and become defensive... if I do hurt your feelings, I am sorry. And I expect and appreciate you do the same to me too (not because you wanna take revenge eh… it’s unhealthy! :P) when you think I need a WAKE UP SCOLD… DO IT! So if you are someone who needs a lot of friends who could only talk sweet to you, comfort you and make you feel good… sorry, wrong door too. Am I sounded like a bitch?! Or am I making things complicated? Well, I insist that I am asking for the basics of making friends or building a whatever-ships. I have had enough HI and BYE or Don’t-Know-Who names on my contact list and people who talk to me to kill their time in my life… enough. Like I said, I don’t need NUMBERS to prove to myself and to the world about who I am… I am not making friends for commissions or running business… I am not gonna receive an award as “THE BEST SOCIALBLE TALKER” at the end; I just hope there’s someone who would appreciate my love and care as much as I appreciate hers/his in our life. I do not need friends to make myself feel GOOD. I am GOOD! Haha~ 1000 people you think you guys are friends and maybe none of them you could remember or recall their names in the future… or 10 (or simply just 1) true friends who are gonna be there in your whole life… shiny or rainy day… they are simply there for you. And be there for them too, with no regrets. Hey, are you fainted? Or just had a heart attack?! See, told ya! Be prepared! And are you ready to be my friend? I am Pennie Player who is really bad at playing games… anyway, nice to meet ya! To those who are brave and courageous enough to be my friends… to those who have known me for ages and still alive… cheers! Love Note我想我找到了自己在朋友生命里的意义。这几天跟很多人说话。。。说了很多、也听了很多。原来我是这么的幸运，能够在我需要朋友怀抱和肩膀的时候，你们告诉我“我在这里”；而我也能够在朋友需要的时候，给予他们我能够给予的－－拥抱。我从来也不觉得自己做了什么了不起的事，因为是朋友，我愿意付出；而我知道，在我需要的时候，你们也会为我掏心掏肺，赴汤蹈火。我总是让人担心的那一个，因为我决定得很快。一旦我决定了要做一件事，我会毫不犹豫，不论最后我可能会跌倒、会受伤。哭泣了，时间帮助我痊愈，然后我继续；好像忘记了自己才刚刚跌倒受伤哭泣过。面对伤痛，我微笑，因为它们教会我更坚强；面对明天，我微笑。。。因为明天永远让人充满期待！朋友说我选择了一条注定“辛苦和孤独的路”。。也许是。可是我知道，我是带着期待和祝福在坚持着！认识我的人，没有一个不想我成功！他们比我更希望看到我站上那个我梦想的舞台，发光发热！“认识你这么多年，你什么都变了，就是勇敢没变！”我不知道这是好事还是坏事。朋友希望我学会保护自己多一点，爱自己多一点。可是当朋友需要了，我还是没有迟疑了。我想，这是很难改变的。。。这么多年，就是学不会自私、也学不会伤害别人。所以我希望，我能够一直遇到好人，不会想要伤害我而得到快乐的人。。。我想，一直保持正面的态度，拥有一颗善良的心，我一定会一直遇到好人，愿意和我分享他们的爱的人。你们也要加油哦，你们知道我比谁都希望看到你们完成你们的目标。。主宰你们的世界，在你们所辛苦建构起来的王国里称王！然后你们幸福、你们快乐。
而我，会继续做自己；因为只有真实的Pennie，才最可爱！有时候很邪恶却没有恶意；害怕被伤害却固执的要继续寻找爱的真谛。希望我写的一些心得，能够为你忙碌的一天带来一些阳光！笑一个吧，生命还是很美好呵〜 |
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