No one can chase this guy out of my dreams, including myself.
This guy stucks there and I don't know what he and my inner child want from me
It's not that I say "case is close" then it will be gone with the wind
He is there, and wounds are also there
All these things become so irritating
I hate myself being like this

Could you imagine someone who is no longer in you life and  who you really wanna forget keeps haunting your dreams and keeps telling you that how much you are not loved? It's the first time in my life that being rejected in the public, it's not like losing a competition. Losing a competition is an honor at least the chance has been given out to all the competitors to work hard and do their best. But being rejected in a relationship IN THE PUBLIC is like being condemned. There's nothing you can do, NOTHING. And the wounds remain there and I don't know how to heal them. Thought simply leave them there they will be healed automatically sometime someday.

It's all about me, not him. I won't rely on him and expect that he may come and help me to heal the wounds. He is even more incomplete, how could I ask someone who is in a worse condition to help me out?

People say,"hang in there, you will be fine." How wish I could do that.
Hang in there. Keep being told that "I don't like you, you are not my type, you are not accepted..." are painful, especially in the dreams.
I could only keep experiencing the same pain again and again, and have no chances (not even once) to respond.

This is how I am recently. Wake up in the middle of the nights, wondering what has just happened. And it reminds me again and again how pain the wounds are.

How much I love/like him, how much I despise myself now. It's a struggle, and life's a struggle.